What to Expect When You're Expecting

In no small way, What to Expect When You're Expecting is representative of many of things wrong with contemporary filmmaking.  Firstly, take a well-known property-- in this case Heidi Murkoff's incredibly successful volume of self-help books (a route sadly being pillaged by movie producers all over after the successes of 2009's He's Just Not That Into You and this spring's Think Like a Man)-- littering it with a glittery, starry ensemble, clumsily sewing messy side stories into an uneven whole, mix, bake and release without a care in the world of characters, story or tonal consistency.  It's a snap in the face for grown-up stories about grown-ups, or for those you believe filmmaking (even it's most facile forms) should contain a nugget of substance, or resemble something other than a shrill opportunity to cash in on a name brand.  While What to Expect seems to long to be the pregnancy tome for moviegoers, it's more a cynical marketing tool for the decline of originality in films for older, specifically female crowds, a sad thought a mere year after it appeared Bridesmaids had opened a few doors.  And while the characters end up bringing lives into the world, this is one of those films that may well wish most of its audience makes a swift choice in ending their own, if only to get away from the shrill, shrewish cartoons that make up this most unpleasant movie.

Directed by Kirk Jones (Waking Ned Devine) and written by Shauna Cross (Whip It) and Heather Hach (Freaky Friday), What to Expect tells five different stories of differing lifestyles coping with the before and during of the blissful pregnancy thing.  Strewn together, with shapeless overlap, and filmed seemingly in a sense to accommodate the various schedules of the talent involved, What to Expect haphazardly, and lazily chronicles the ups and downs; most of the sickness is relegated to those in the movie theater.  The first sequence sums up the skin-deep and slightly sexist nature as we meet Jules (Cameron Diaz), a fitness guru with her one Biggest Loser-like reality show, you finds out about her impending condition while performing on a Dancing With the Stars rip-off with her hook-up\dance partner Evan (Matthew Morrison) by promptly throwing up after her victory.  There's quite a lot of that going on; scatological humor and cheap jokes seemingly made at the expense of expectant mothers instead of humorously displayed affection for soon-to-be mothers.  Jules and Evan's storyline is one of the limpest in the film, that passes the more substantiated storyline of an older woman giving birth, and instead chugs along as a pissing contest between two beautiful and successful mid-line celebrities trying to one-up and out type-A each other.  A proven point of the superficiality and ugliness of the movie as a whole.

There's but two small passing qualities that quietly transcend What to Expect from the trashiest of trash and instead just a bad idea, horribly processed from the start, and those belong to natural, easy-going performances of Jennifer Lopez and Elizabeth Banks.  Given characters more narratively fertile than the rest and a chance to breathe in a film that cares little for characters themselves, they represent two slices of realistic struggles on the road to parenthood.  Lopez plays Holly, a struggling photographer, who with husband Alex (Rodrigo Santoro) are seeking adoption due to failing reproductive tools of their own.  There's a small sliver of something going on, of which, the movie prevents from becoming actually genuine, of the nervous, queasy feelings and tensions of a family struggling to become emotionally ready.  Thankfully, and truly a disservice to the film, director Jones and team dart away before anything becomes real.  Lopez does do small justice to a sadly and tritely written monologue on the anguish expressed for her faulty equipment.  Banks, has the more challenging part, one that's likely very relatable to some, but also a bit more over-the-top as Wendy a soon-to-be mom, who has made a career in prepping for motherhood.  She's experiencing hell from all sides of her body, reveling in jealousy by the pain-free pregnant adventures of her trophy "mother-in-law" Skylar (Brooklyn Decker), expecting twins after marrying Wendy's husband Gary (Ben Falcone) obnoxious race-car driver dad Ramsey (Dennis Quaid.)  That Banks, a charming and very funny performer, can transcend such shrill and obnoxious material and rise above it is a small miracle in it of itself; the same unfortunately cannot be said of Quaid and Decker, whose plot line simply reeks-- Wendy has every reason to to hate the trophy wife-- she's seven months pregnant walking around in 6-inch heals for heavens sake.  The fifth and klutziest side story involves two rival food truck vendors, played by Chace Crawford and Anna Kendrick (possibly in a small way of seeking the Gossip Girl/Twilight crowd) who are forced to deal with the repercussions of a one night stand.

There's a shriller piece of seemingly focused group to death piece to What to Expect, when Holly enlists Alex to pal around with a pathetic group of Dad Dudes in hopes of preparing for impending fatherhood, perhaps in a marketable sense to reach out to the Apatow crowd.  It's in these embarrassing sections where whipped fathers, headed by Chris Rock and Reno 911's Thomas Lennon, What to Expect grows even more tiresome, lamely fashioning a all boys club of men who extol the depressing nature of parenthood, while secretly adoring it; for greater measure the Dudes in a stroke of bromantic glee all perk up at the sight of a single, muscle beach park dweller, played by Joe Manganiello, for little other reason than, I suppose, to rouse female interest at the sight of him without a shirt-- there's conflicting viewpoints in those shoddily executed scenes.  The points rises more so, I think, is this the place grown-up comedies are at now?  If so, Hollywood should take a cue from Lopez and Banks, who signify shades of pregnancy gracefully in tonally ungraceful appearances, only to be sidelined and sacked for disparate marketing devices thrown out in hopes of reaching audiences, who in all seriousness would likely never be caught dead in a film titled What to Expect When You're Expecting.  Popcorn is a cool, low-nutrient food choice, but adding unnecessary sugar on top is not only unhealthy, but bad for modern filmmaking in need of a diet.  D 

Bad Teacher

Perhaps as seen as a perverted commentary on the ill-fated state of the American public school system, Bad Teacher is a success.  The central character is a lying, manipulative, terribly unpleasant woman who could care less about her students, lazily resorting to revolving her lesson plans around watching classroom movies like Dangerous Minds, Stand & Deliver and To Sir, With Love, and who only resorts to actual "teaching" when there's a monetary incentive.  Perhaps as viewed as a wake up call to those who have the power to change a failing institution, this was a smart film-- I can see a wonderful opportunity here--perhaps a great marketing idea could be a deluxe edition of Bad Teacher and Waiting for 'Superman' sent in the direction of every school administrator, teachers union leaders, and parents as a call of arms for reform.  Perhaps, seen through that less cynical prism, there's was a point to this film, directed by Jake Kasden (a Judd Apatow protege, who honed his craft on episodes of Freaks and Geeks and Walk Hard.)  Unfortunately as summertime escapism, Bad Teacher barely gets a passing grade, despite game performances from a skilled ensemble, and the tease of joyously bad behavior that sadly just circles around without ever hitting its mark.

Cameron Diaz plays Elizabeth Halsey, a junior high English teacher, a careless coaster of the system, she's a foul-mouthed pothead whose main objective is to land a rich man so she can comfortably settle as an entitled trophy wife.  She sees a golden opportunity with the arrival of a handsome new substitute teacher (Justin Timberlake), a chipper trust fund baby.  The cure, according to Elizabeth, to win his heart and money is a boob job (his ex-girlfriend had big ones.)  A few other complications add to this particularly unfunny school year, including a rivalry between Elizabeth and a goody-goody teacher named Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch), and the affable, BS-free affections of a gym teacher (Jason Segal), whose financial standings offer him little shot at Elizabeth's heartless heart.  Plus there's some blackmail, sexual innuendo (including an uncomfortable dry humping segment) and hostile misogyny all transparently on display, most of which offers little amusement.  Which is not to say that there isn't a decent premise here (a raunchy little bit of inept, careless educators might have worked well in other hands) nor a fault of an ensemble who works tired punchlines and off-putting scenes with the right spirit.

Diaz, in particular, is tailor-made for a role like with this her girly charm and unabashed glee for naughty language, and she makes Elizabeth part vixen, part slacker, which with a sharper script probably would have worked.  It's unfortunate that as is, her character is so one note.  She's bad, we get it, but we could have cared about her, and none of her movie star luster radiates any empathy.  The problem with the character is her motive is particularly lame...the entire movie is rooted in Diaz's character getting a boob job, and what disappoints more than the fact that that is silly and more than a bit sexist, is that it's also incredibly lame.  Bad Teacher could have delved into a wonderfully dark comic anything with a more credible, or at least more interesting set up; her classroom scenes are kind of funny as stand-alones, especially in the beginning as a hung-over Elizabeth drapes a sweater over her head and passes out as her students watch past inspiring teacher movies.  Diaz has the gamesmanship and the appropriate mixture of naughty and nice physical goofiness at play; she's one of the few A-list beauties who sparkles best with vulgarity.  So, yes Elizabeth is unpleasant an inappropriate, but must she also be so vapid.  The payoff at the end would have hit far more strongly if the first two-thirds weren't quite so muddled and mindless.

The same is true for Lucy Punch as well, whose rival teacher is the most ingratiating character in the piece (and that's saying a lot); her Squirrel is a strange blend of Election's Tracy Flick crossed with the Road Runner crossed with a Disney princess.  Prudish and crazy, with a hyper type-A personality, Punch excels at being absolutely irritating every time she's on screen, and with the pungent, almost stinging annoyance she brings to her character, one must adhere that this must be a singular talent, and there is a sort of grand go-for-broke one-ups-man-ship in her feud with Diaz.  She's just as odd and incongruous here as she was as Anthony Hopkins' hooker friend in last year's You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, she's such a committed performer, that you kind of like her anyway.  The question becomes again that if the stakes were raised, and the premise weren't so silly, there could have been a great deal of naughty fun in store.  That their rival is in pursuit of Timberlake is a deterrent, for he's such a passively odd, and boring character.  Far better is Jason Segal, who in a glorified cameo, gives the right shade of naughty and nice to his character-- he smokes pot too, but he's also kind of a nice guy.

Again, I like the idea of social commentary of the bad ideals in public education as the primary goal of Bad Teacher.  Perhaps it was intentional that the film is kind of bad in that regard...think about it, a bad movie about bad teachers starring a major movie star with the subtle agenda of crusading against real problems in American schools.  Hopefully no one as callous as Elizabeth works for the school district today, but perhaps the film is here to point out a call to find out; if not for the children, than for discerning moviegoers who would prefer never again to spend time with a bad teacher like this again.  Silver lining.  C-